You are not alone.
If your child, grandchild or sibling has died, you belong here. You don’t have to know what to say, and you don’t have to be “doing okay.”
I’m one of you.
My name is Debbie, and I am a bereaved mother. When my son Patrick died, I learned there is no pain like this one. I lost my father when I was young, and even that did not prepare me.
I’ll be honest: I didn’t want to walk into my first meeting. I just didn’t. My daughter went looking for help, and eventually I found my way to The Compassionate Friends. I didn’t say a word at my first meetings. I didn’t have to. When I looked into the other parents’ eyes, I knew they understood. It felt like a sacred space.
Early on, at another group’s meeting, I watched a mother who had driven 45 minutes to be there sit alone while no one asked her a single question. Afterward I told a friend, a mother who had lost her son the same month I lost Patrick, “I’m going to become a chapter leader, because this shouldn’t happen to anyone.”
Chapter leaders must wait a year and a half after their loss before they can serve. I became a leader the very day I was allowed. No one can teach you how to sit with grieving parents when you’re grieving too. I’m still a mother whose heart hurts, and nothing will bring my son back. So when I welcome you, it’s not from the outside.
Debbie Rivera, Chapter Leader
What a meeting is like
We sit together in a circle. Most of us are parents, and grandparents and siblings are always welcome. There’s no pressure to speak. Many people say nothing at their first meeting, and that’s okay.
When you’re ready, I may ask you to describe your child, grandchild or sibling in a single word. Brave. Funny. Stubborn. Kind. One word helps all of us get to know who you love.
Out in the world, many of us learn to stay quiet, because so few people understand this kind of grief. Here, you don’t have to. This is a safe place to say what you need to say, and to speak your child’s name out loud.
This time is about you and your child. We listen to each other’s stories, and often we learn something from what another parent shares: a way through a hard day, or words for something we couldn’t name.
And yes, sometimes we even laugh. Someone remembers something their child said or did, and the whole circle smiles. Tears, anger, silence, laughter: whatever comes up, we’re here to support each other through it.
I believe tears have words. Sometimes they can’t come out yet, but they’re there, and when you’re ready, we’ll be here to hear them. I always tell new families, “I wish we had met under different circumstances.” But I’m glad you found us.
Try three meetings
First meetings can feel heavy. You’re carrying your own story and hearing others’ too. Please give us three meetings before you decide. Each one is different, with different people and often a different topic, and many parents tell us the second or third meeting is when it began to help.
When you call
Sometimes you won’t know what to say when you call, and that’s okay. You don’t need a reason. I will listen for as long as you need, and you’ll be welcomed. I work and juggle a lot, so you may get my voicemail. Please leave a message. I will call you back, because you matter.
There is no “getting over” this.
Losing a child changes us forever. There is no getting over someone you’ve loved since the day they were born. Each of us carries this loss differently.
Mothers and fathers
You’ve lost a piece of your future and a part of yourself. Whatever your child’s age, and however they died, your grief is welcome here.
Grandparents
You carry a double grief. You are mourning your grandchild while watching your own child live with the worst pain there is, unable to fix it.
Siblings
You are often called the forgotten mourners, because people ask how your parents are and forget to ask about you. Your brother or sister knew your secrets and was supposed to be with you for life. Whether you were older, younger or a twin, your grief is real.
Grieving the future
When a child dies, we lose more than the life we shared. We lose the future: the graduation, the wedding dance, the first word, the first steps. There will always be an empty chair at the table, on the first vacation, and at every holiday.
Your future is forever changed, and we will never tell you otherwise. Here, you can grieve all of it, both what was and what should have been.
The moments no one warns you about
Someone asks, “How many children do you have?” and you freeze. Someone says you “should be over it by now.” These moments can knock the breath out of you.
At our meetings, you’ll be with people who understand them without needing them explained. There’s time and space here to say whatever you need to say.
More ways to connect
Healing doesn’t only happen in a circle. Our chapter families also gather in other ways:
Craft group
About once a month on a weekend, a few of us make something in memory of our children. We’ve painted hope rocks, made star ornaments with our children’s photos, and done paint-by-number. No experience needed.
5K walkers
Some of our families sign up for local 5Ks together and walk in memory of their children. Join us for one, or just come cheer.
Ask us about upcoming dates, or watch our Facebook page.
Articles for families walking this road
Take only what helps.
Who is grieving
Finding purpose, when you’re ready
Over time, many of us find a way to carry our child’s love forward, by helping a newer parent, volunteering, or simply showing up for someone else. It’s never easy, and there’s no rush. But it is possible.
I’m here for you. You’re not alone.
