Supporting Family- After a Child Dies

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You Need Not Be Alone After Losing Your Child

When You Are Grieving

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20 Ways To Get Through Those Dark Days of Grief

By Maureen Hunter

alt="Grieving The Loss of a Child"After the loss of a loved one we are thrown into the chaos of grief, flailing around aimlessly in the swell of hurt and emotions that swamp us. Every day seems like a bad day.

Even many years later we can have days where the effort of coping, the effort of everyday demands and the effort of living becomes too great to bear for a time. We give in and collapse, letting ourselves become engulfed and dragged down by our emotional burdens.
When we’re in that place it’s hard to find a way out, to see daylight and be able to breathe in fresh air again. Here are some tips to help you navigate the black hole – 20 ways you can get through your bad days.

Feel it for a while

Wallow – yes wallow. Sometimes we just have to give ourselves permission to be in the mire of what we feel and what we are experiencing. We need to be engulfed in our great sorrow and pain that hurts like nothing on earth. We need to feel the depths of our anguish for ourselves, our deep ache for all that we are going through so that we can open our eyes to another day.
Set a timer – yes you can wallow but not forever. It’s a self-absorbed dark place that we don’t want to be in forever. Give yourself a time limit – minutes or hours, perhaps the whole day. Set boundaries that support you.
Move – any sort of movement is good. If it comes after a good wallow, it might be as simple as getting out of bed. It could be walking around the block or having a good stretch. Activity is a whole body plus. Start where you are and go from there.

Use gadgets

 Smartphone – find an app that inspires you, something to lift your spirits when you’re feeling down. It could be faith based, inspirational quotes or the sounds of nature.
iPad/Tablets – there is an amazing array of stuff you can get nowadays to distract and divert you, to lift you up a little from the gloom that can descend.   I’ve recently added the TED app to my iPad. TED is a non-profit dedicated to ideas worth spreading. In their iPad app there are hundreds of talks from their conferences you can watch on a bad day or when sleep eludes you.
Playlists – find your favourite music and put it into playlists depending on your mood. Have one for gloomy days, some music that pulls you up a notch. Have one for walking. Have one for sleeping. You can even get special ear bud sleeping bands for comfort plus.

Comfort treats

 Soft tissues – our poor noses come in for a battering when we are grieving. We have never cried so much. So buy some extra gentle tissues to have on hand. A little softness goes a long way when we’re feeling miserable.
Cuddle up – buy a beautiful soft and snugly throw to dive into. There is something about being warm and covered that makes us feel protected and cared for.  It’s a hug with us, for ourselves.
Food – it’s not a good thing to dive into the cupboard when we’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed but we all do it and it can be an emotional short term boost. Keep it for those times when you need it most. We all have our favourites, for me its chocolate based – hot drinks, chocolates or pudding.
Warmth – have you noticed how you feel better when the sun is shining and you feel warm and cosy? Where you can, get out in the sunshine or warm yourself by the fire front and let the heat thaw the ache in your heart a little.
Bathe – immersing ourselves in the warmth of a scented bath or feeling the hot water of a shower pour over us can be very soothing. Team it up with a beautiful soap or oil to make you feel nurtured and special.

Be Uplifted

 Laugh – something that might seem impossible when we are in the depths of despair. Laughing is healthy and nothing to feel bad about. We all need some relief, a breather and laughter can do so much to release the tension we hold in tight. Watch this yoga laughter video or keep a couple of DVDs or tapes you know you will laugh at close at hand. It can do so much to break open the shell of despair sitting heavy in your heart.
Feed your mind – have a couple of books, DVD’s or tapes that inspire you in some way. You might have some you turn to again and again. If not, start to collect a couple of things you can use during these difficult days. To comfort you, inspire you and give you hope.
One good thing – it can be the hardest thing in the world to feel grateful for anything when we have lost someone we love so very much. Yet I believe if we try and if we practice we can find our one good thing that becomes another and another. It taps us into the polar opposite of our loss and directs us towards hope and healing.
Your box of goodies – when you are having a bad day, give yourself a fighting chance and know what makes you feel better. It could be a picture or a piece of jewellery. It could be a gift voucher you bought a while ago for a day like today. It could be a beautiful fragrance or a bunch of your favourite flowers. Keep them in your real or imagined box and tap into them when you need to.
Stay Connected
Phone a friend – gauge how you feel. Sometimes we want to talk, sometimes we don’t. We may not have close friends or family we can call but we may be able to connect in other ways. Grief is a very lonely and isolating experience.  We all have times where we need support and need to know we’re not the only one feeling this way.
Get support – most grief support groups have contact lists where you can reach out for support. If you are feeling suicidal in any way please get immediate help from your Doctor, Hospital or Emergency help line in your area. The internet never sleeps and can be a great support and reassurance to those from any part of the world who need to connect with someone else who is grieving.
Seek help – I often say whilst there are many who can walk beside us we are the only ones who can do the work, the hard yards of mourning and healing.  We are the only ones who can do what it takes to live again. We are the only ones who can seek help to support ourselves as we step through our grief. We may have gone beyond being able to help ourselves by ourselves or what we have tried just isn’t working. It’s time to try something different. Never be afraid to seek help, it could be a turning point for you.

Go somewhere different

 Treat yourself – our homes can become our safety net, our sanctuary especially when we’re feeling so very sorrowful. Getting out the house and being in a different place moves your body but it can also shift your mood. Make it pleasurable, take yourself somewhere nice. Break the mould.
Sit with the birds – nature is incredibly restorative and healing. Sit outside for 10 mins with a cuppa or go for a walk in a nearby park. Listen to the sounds of nature; let it be a salve to your soul. Find a beautiful picture of our wonderful world to adorn your desktop or sit on your table. Buy a water fountain and be surrounded by the sounds of nature in your everyday.
Go visiting – where have you always wanted to go? See it in your mind, imagine it. Bring it to life with pictures. Read about it, think about it, and plan it. Having something to look forward to can help us deal with the difficulties we are going through right now. It might not be a long held dream, it could be a trip for a night or two away, a holiday or something you always wanted to do.
Try some of these on for size; see if they are a good fit for you. If not, come up with your own ways. You are helping yourself as only you can by finding what works for you and then doing it.
 
Maureen Hunter is an inspirational writer and grief steps mentor giving comfort and hope to many. She is passionate about helping people to step through grief and build a new and different life after loss, one in which their loved one is always a part of. 

 

Newly Bereaved

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To the Newly Bereavedalt="Newly Bereaved"

When your child has died, suddenly it seems like all meaning has been drained from your life. When you wake in the morning, it’s difficult to get out of bed, much less live a “normal” life. All that was right with the world now seems wrong and you’re wondering when, or if, you’ll ever feel better.

We’ve been there ourselves and understand some of the pain you are feeling right now. We are truly glad that you have found us but profoundly saddened by the reason. We know that you are trying to find your way in a bewildering experience for which no one can truly be prepared.

When you’re newly bereaved, suddenly you find yourself on an emotional roller-coaster where you have no idea what to expect next. Here are thoughts on some of what you may be experiencing or feeling (many of these will apply to bereaved siblings and grandparents):

Psychological

  • You’re in shock from what has happened and a numbness surrounds you to help shield you from the pain.
  • You find yourself in denial. Your child cannot be dead. You expect to see your child walk through the door any moment.
  • You see your child in the faces of others walking down the street.
  • You wonder how someone can feel this much pain and survive.
  • Thoughts of suicide briefly enter your mind. You tell yourself you want to die—and yet you want to live to take care of your family and honor your child’s memory.
  • You want to know how the people around you can go about their day as if nothing has happened—don’t they understand that your life—everything that meant anything to you—has just ended? Your purpose in life is gone.
  • You are no longer afraid of death as each day that passes puts you one day closer to being with your child.
  • Thoughts of “what ifs” enter your mind as you play out scenarios that you believe would have saved your child.
  • Your memory has suddenly become clouded. You’re shrouded in forgetfulness. You’ll be driving down the road and not know where you are or remember where you’re going. As you walk, you may find yourself involved in “little accidents” because you’re in a haze.
  • You fear that you are going crazy.
  • You find there’s a videotape that constantly plays in an endless loop in your mind, running through what happened.
  • You find your belief system is shaken and you try to sort out what this means to your faith.
  • Placing impossible deadlines on yourself, you go back to work, but find that your mind wanders and it’s difficult to function efficiently or, some days, at all. Others wonder when you’ll be over “it,” not understanding that you’ll never be the same person you were before your child died—and the passage of time will not make you so.
  • You find yourself reading the same paragraph over and over again trying to understand what someone else has written.

Newly Bereaved

Emotional

  • You rail against the injustice of not being allowed the choice to die instead of your child.
  • You find yourself filled with anger, whether it be at your partner, a person you believe is responsible for God, yourself, and even your child for dying.your child’s death,
  • You yearn to have five minutes, an hour, a day back with your child so you can tell your child of your love or thoughts left unsaid.
  • Guilt becomes a powerful companion as you blame yourself for the death of your child. Rationally you know that you were not to blame—you most certainly would have saved your child if you’d been given the chance.
  • You feel great sadness and depression as you wrestle with the idea that everything important to you has been taken from you. Your future has been ruined and nothing can ever make it right.

Newly Bereaved

Physical

  • Either you can’t sleep at all or you sleep all the time. You feel physical exhaustion even when you have slept.
  • You no longer care about your health and taking care of yourself—it just doesn’t seem that important anymore.
  • You’re feeling anxiety and great discomfort—you’re told they’re panic attacks.
  • The tears come when you least expect them.
  • Your appetite is either gone or you find yourself overeating.

Newly Bereaved

Family & Social

  • If you have surviving children, you find yourself suddenly overprotective, not wanting to allow them out of your sight. Yet you feel like a bad parent because it’s so difficult to focus on their needs when you’re hurting so bad yourself.
  • You find that your remaining family at home grieves the loss differently and you search for a common ground which seems difficult to find.
  • You’ve been told by well-meaning people, even professionals, that 70-80-90 percent of all couples divorce after their child dies. You are relieved to find that new studies show a much lower divorce rate, from 12-16%, believed to be caused by the “shared experience” aspect of the situation.
  • Old friends seem to fade away as you learn they cannot comprehend the extent or length of your grief.
  • Things you liked to do which seemed so important before now seem meaningless.
  • Others say you’ll someday find “closure,” not understanding that closure never applies when it is the death of your child.
  • Fleeting thoughts of pleasurable activities bring about feelings of guilt. If you child can’t have fun, how can you do anything that brings you enjoyment?
  • New friends come into your life who understand some of your grief because they’ve been there themselves.

Newly Bereaved

Finding the “New Me”

When you’re newly bereaved, you don’t see how you can put one foot in front of the other, much less survive this loss. You’ll never “recover” from your loss nor will you ever find that elusive “closure” they talk of on TV—but eventually you will find the “new me.” You will never be the same person you were before your child died. It may be hard to believe no w, but in time and with the hard work of grieving (and there’s no way around it), you will one day think about the good memories of when your child lived rather than the bad memories of how your child died. You will even smile and, yes, laugh again someday—as hard to believe as that may seem.

When the newly bereaved come to a meeting of The Compassionate Friends, you will be able to listen and learn from others who are further down the grief road than you. They will have made it through that first birthday, first death anniversary, first holiday, and so many other firsts that you have not yet reached. You will learn coping skills from other bereaved parents who, like you, never thought they’d survive. There are no strangers at TCF meetings—only friends you have not yet met.

More than 20,000 people a month find the support they are seeking through meetings of The Compassionate Friends. Please check our Chapter Locator on our national website for the nearest TCF chapter. Or call the National Office at 877-969-0010 and we’ll be happy to give you a referral to the closest chapter and send you a customized bereavement packet at no charge. We have many other ways of providing support including our national website and Online Support Community, our free monthly e-newsletter, our Facebook Page, our Worldwide Candle Lighting each December, our national conference, and our Walk to Remember. We will be here as long as you need us. Even though you are newly bereaved and the road is long, we invite you to walk with us for as long as the journey takes.

Newly Bereaved

The Compassionate Friends—Supporting Family After a Child Dies

©2011 The Compassionate Friends, USA – All rights reserved. “To the Newly Bereaved” is protected by U.S. copyright and is provided here for personal use only. Reproduction for mass distribution or for use on any website, blog, or by other electronic means of distribution, domestic or foreign, is strictly prohibited. “To the Newly Bereaved” is available as a brochure for purchase at TCF Brochures.

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The current printing of this brochure is sponsored by
Janet and Pat O’Donnell
in loving memory of
their dear young friend Jeff and
their forever loved son, Brian