When Your Child Dies By Homicide

The death of any child of any age is devastating. However, the pain and anguish is compounded when the death comes at the hands of another human being. Parents and family members face many complicated issues, even as they try to make sense of the incomprehensible—that someone knowingly, intentionally killed a child who was loved and will be missed. When your child dies by homicide, there are so many emotions and such a level of excruciating pain.

Possible Complicating Issues

When a child dies by homicide, there are, unfortunately, dozens of unique issues that may complicate the grief process for the parents and family left behind. These may include:

The child may be the main evidence and an autopsy and the investigation may cause a lengthy delay in the release of your child’s body to you.

The child’s body may not be found for proper interment or cremation. If found, your child may not be viewable.

A police investigation can take weeks, months, even years.

Authorities may first look for suspects within the family, creating a revictimization of those very survivors feeling the most acute pain.

Information on new developments may trickle in to the family, and sometimes weeks and months may pass without contact unless initiated by the family.

If the child was murdered in another country, the family may be forced to deal with that country’s law enforcement and legal system, which may have completely different procedures than in the United States. In addition, there may be language and communication barriers and untold costly and frustrating trips.

Your child becomes dehumanized as the police, the press, prosecutors, and others refer to “the victim,” “the body,” and “the deceased.”

The murderer may never be caught or may choose suicide or death rather than capture.

If someone is charged with the murder, the trial, including appeals, can take years.

The murderer may go free for any number of reasons or receive a sentence far lighter than the family expected.

The child may be blamed by some being in the “wrong area” or participating in a “type of behavior,” thus contributing to the murder.

Media coverage will take away any hopes of privacy the family may normally value.

In the case of an older child, the parents may not be the next of kin, as the spouse and immediate family may be given information and kept “in the loop.” Meanwhile the parents may be left on their own to learn whatever they can about the case and developments.

Most officials strive to be sympathetic, but family members can feel like they are living a nightmare. It is normal, as death notification is received, to feel shock and disbelief, numbness, confusion, anger, denial, and a feeling that the world has suddenly stopped. Your world is shattered. Murder is a violation of everything you were taught and believe about rightness and fairness in life. As time passes, reactions may include rage, a desire for revenge, anxiety, inability to sleep or eat, or feelings of hopelessness and depression. Other reactions may include frustration, fear that the murderer may return, survivor guilt, and self-blame (for being unable to protect the child). All of these are normal reactions that need to be addressed in the bereavement process. Researchers suggest that post-traumatic stress disorder is not unusual in survivors and can become part of their new reality.

Notification of others, first within the immediate family, and then of relatives, friends, and even employers can weigh heavily in the aftermath of the initial notification. Often, the press is provided the name of the child who died before the family can properly notify others. Even if the murder occurred elsewhere, it’s likely the press will want to stay in touch with the family every step of the way. Dealing with the media needs to be done in a way that creates the least additional stress to the survivors, sometimes through a family representative like an attorney, clergy person, or even a close family friend.

A knowledgeable, caring victims advocate appointed by the court may also make the legal process more understandable and less daunting. But the pathway to healing does not run through the courtroom; it is just a necessary detour that may prolong the process of dealing with the death. Despite what others may naively say, capture and conviction of the murderer will never bring “closure.” No punishment can bring back your child, but support is available.

How do the Survivors Survive?

The lives of family members become a balancing act as everyone reacts in their own way to the child’s murder. Some may try to continue normally while others may not, understanding that “normal” is gone forever. Unfortunately, when a murder has occurred, the hard work of grieving must be put on hold while the family faces the challenges that the child’s death brings into their lives as survivors.

There will be many trigger points throughout the pursuit of justice and afterward that will bring back the horror of what has happened. These can include:

1) Seeing or identifying the accused

2) News accounts of the event or of similar events

3) Hearings, depositions, trials, and any number of other points in the legal process including parole hearings

4) The occurrence of “life events” that the child will never experience

5) Holidays

6) Anniversaries of when the child was born or died.

Be prepared for these trigger points and their effects on each member of the family. Your reactions are not signs of weakness, but are appropriate human responses to what has happened.

What Can You Do to Help Yourself?

The murder of a family member is very traumatic. If the investigation results in an arrest, many jurisdictions offer victim advocate services to assist family members throughout the court process. This can be very beneficial in helping protect and prepare the family for each phase of a criminal trial. Limit your direct exposure or contact with media coverage of the murder. This type of news reporting can be emotionally punishing to the family and frustrating when inaccurate information is continually repeated. Avoid obsessive thinking about how your loved one died, as this can take an emotional toll and leave you feeling overwhelmed. Everyone grieves differently and at their own pace. As long as you are not hurting yourself or others, there is no right or wrong way to think, feel, or behave. Feelings of anger, fear, and anxiety are normal responses after a murder. Although talking about these feelings may be difficult, it can help you begin to heal.Try to be patient with yourself and accepting of your own thoughts and feelings. Be selective in confiding your thoughts and emotions only with people you believe are willing to listen without judging or criticizing you.

The healing journey is a long term process. Take care of yourself along the way by exercising, getting enough sleep, eating balanced meals, and taking breaks from your grief. Remember that we hurt so much because we love so much. Participating in special events or memorial services that pay tribute and honor your loved one can be especially comforting. While the scars will always remain, it is possible to find hope and healing with the continued help and emotional support of others.

How Can Others Help?

Here are some ways that friends and coworkers can help:

Be a good listener. Allow family members to talk about where they are in the process, in their grief, or whatever they feel is necessary to express.

Be non-judgmental. Anger is normal and the survivors may express this in ways you may not expect.

Say the child’s name—parents long to hear that others remember.

Don’t forget that siblings hurt, too. They are often referred to as “the forgotten mourners” with good reason. Feel free to ask them how they are doing.

Family members will find their energy levels reduced and their ability to do even simple tasks may be impaired. See what needs to be done, then do it without asking.

Try to be with them throughout the proceedings. They’ll need a shoulder to lean on—and to cry on.

Send “thinking of you” cards on important days such as the child’s birthday and death anniversary, and mention the child by name.

How Can The Compassionate Friends Help?

Many grieving parents find comfort in talking to others who have shared the same experience. The Compassionate Friends, as a peer-to-peer support organization, can fill that need, offering friendship, understanding, and hope to bereaved families that have experienced the death of a child. Talking about what happened, and sharing where you are in your grief, gives you the ability to learn from the experiences of others and the coping mechanisms they have used to survive.

While not everyone who attends meetings of The Compassionate Friends has had a child die by homicide, all feel the acute pain of losing a child and are seeking to learn from others who can help them bring meaning back into their lives. A meeting of The Compassionate Friends is a safe haven where you don’t have to worry about being judged, or having others turn away when the tears start. Many consider it their new home with new friends and the reason all can say, We Need Not Walk Alone!