However early, it was your baby.
A miscarriage is when your pregnancy ends before your baby could be born, usually in the first 20 weeks. Some parents knew for months; some had only just found out. Either way, you had already begun to love this child and imagine your life together. Your grief is real, and you are welcome here.
What you may be carrying
A loss others can’t see
There may have been no service, no announcement, and nothing to show anyone. Some people didn’t even know you were expecting, so you may grieve in silence.
“At least it was early”
People may treat a miscarriage as a medical event instead of the death of your child. How far along you were doesn’t measure how much you loved your baby.
Your body’s part in it
Miscarriage can be frightening and painful, at home or in a hospital, and recovering can take weeks. Hormone changes can bring waves of sadness and anxiety on top of grief.
Why? And was it me?
Most of the time there is no clear reason. Parents still replay everything they ate, lifted or did. You did not cause this.
Hope that’s hard to hold
If you have lost more than one baby, or waited years to become pregnant, each loss can bring a new fear about the future. Each baby is grieved on their own.
Due dates and reminders
Your due date, pregnancy announcements and baby showers can bring sudden, sharp pain. Feeling that pain doesn’t mean you aren’t happy for others.
You are not alone in these
Tap any topic to open it.
How grief can feel
Crying, loneliness, trouble sleeping or eating, not being able to concentrate, anger, guilt, and a need to tell the story again and again. Many mothers describe aching arms, a physical longing to hold their baby. Grief often lasts far longer than others expect, with many ups and downs. None of this means you are doing it wrong.
When people say the wrong thing
“At least it was early.” “You can have another.” “Everything happens for a reason.” “At least you didn’t bring the baby home.” People usually mean well, but these words can hurt deeply. It’s okay to tell people, “My baby mattered. Please just say you’re sorry, and say my baby’s name.”
You and your partner
Partners often grieve differently, and each of you may have bonded with your baby in different ways and at different times. One may want to talk while the other goes quiet. You may hold back tears when your partner is having a “good day.” Closeness and intimacy can feel comforting to one of you and unthinkable to the other. All of this is normal. Be patient with each other, and keep sharing what you feel, even a little at a time.
For fathers: the weight you carry quietly
Fathers often grieve in silence. You may feel you have to be the strong one: making the calls, handling the arrangements, going back to work, and caring for your partner and your other children. You want to fix this, and you can’t. Watching the person you love be devastated in a way you have never seen her before can feel like more than you can bear, and you may hold your own grief inside so she doesn’t have to carry yours too.
People ask how she is doing and forget to ask about you. But this was your baby too, and your grief deserves room. If you waited years to become a father, or thought you never would, this loss can feel like losing your whole future.
You are welcome at our meetings, with your partner or on your own, even if she isn’t ready to come. Many fathers find it helps to sit with other dads who understand without a word.
When no one knew
If you hadn’t told anyone yet, you may feel you have no right to grieve out loud. You do. You can choose a few people to tell, so you aren’t carrying it all alone.
Thinking about another pregnancy
That decision belongs to you and your partner, with no “right” waiting period. A new baby doesn’t replace the one you lost or shorten your grief for them, and a later pregnancy can bring fear along with hope. All of those feelings are okay.
Brothers and sisters
Young children grieve too, even if they never met the baby, and they are easily overlooked as “too young to understand.” Use simple, honest words, answer their questions, and let them talk about their brother or sister. See our page for siblings.
Faith and questions
Some parents find comfort in their faith; others feel anger at God, or that life is unfair and meaningless. Let yourself ask the questions without guilt. Both comfort and questioning are normal parts of grief, and a sense of purpose returns slowly, with no time limit.
Say your baby’s name.
Many parents find comfort in naming their baby, even if they never learned whether they were expecting a boy or a girl. A name gives your love a place to land.
You might plant a tree, light a candle on your due date, or keep a small box with an ultrasound picture, a card, or the pregnancy test. It’s never too late, even years later.
At our meetings, your baby is counted among our children, and remembered by name in our newsletter and at our Candle Lighting, if you wish.
Gentle help with the hard parts
There is no deadline for any of these. Let others help.
A certificate for your baby
In Florida, parents of a baby lost between 9 and 20 weeks of pregnancy can request a certificate of nonviable birth. It honors your baby’s life with a name and date. Ask your doctor or the Florida Department of Health’s Vital Statistics office how to request one.
Burial or cremation
Many families don’t know they may be able to take their baby’s remains for burial or cremation, even after an early loss. Ask your hospital or a funeral home. Some funeral homes help families of babies at little or no cost.
Your body after loss
Please see your doctor for follow-up care, and tell them how you’re feeling emotionally too, not just physically.
Returning to work
You may need time off even if few people knew. Let one trusted coworker share the news, so you don’t have to explain again and again.
You don’t have to explain it here
Private Facebook groups
Private Facebook groups moderated by bereaved parents, open any hour:
Here in Tampa Bay
AMEND Tampa offers free peer support after pregnancy and newborn loss, in Tampa, St. Pete and on Zoom. BayCare offers bereavement support too. National: SHARE Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support.
Our meetings and Debbie
First Thursday in Brandon, third Thursday on Zoom. Come as you are; you never have to speak. Or call Debbie at 813-690-4448. What to expect
St. Joseph’s Light of Remembrance Ceremony
Each fall, usually on a Saturday in late September, St. Joseph’s Children’s Hospital holds its Light of Remembrance Ceremony at the Tampa River Center, a gentle gathering to honor children who have died. Our chapter has been part of it. For this year’s date, call Debbie or watch our Meetings and Events page.
You may also find comfort in our pages for newly bereaved parents and the long nights, and in the free bereavement packet from national. More local and national help is on our Resources page. If your baby died at a different time, these pages may fit better: stillbirth, the death of an infant, sudden infant death.
If the pain feels unbearable or you are thinking about ending your life, please call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time of day or night. You can also call 911.
However brief, your baby’s life mattered. Let us walk beside you.