When Your Child Dies By Homicide
Your child’s life was taken, and your world was shattered.
When a child dies by homicide, parents carry the grief of losing their child and the horror of how it happened, often while police, courts and reporters move through their lives. Whatever you are feeling right now, you are welcome here, and you are not alone.
What you may be carrying
A loss no parent should face
Someone chose to cause your child’s death. That knowledge can bring rage, terror and a sense of injustice beyond anything you have known. These reactions are not signs of weakness. They are what happens when the unthinkable happens to someone you love.
A grief that waits on others
Investigations, delays in releasing your child, unanswered questions, arrests or no arrests. You may feel your life is on hold while others control the timeline.
Your child in the news
Reporters, social media comments and court records may describe your child in ways that feel cold or untrue. You know who your child really was.
Trauma on top of grief
Nightmares, flashbacks, jumpiness, trouble sleeping and replaying what happened are common after a violent death. This is post-traumatic stress, and help is available.
Years in the justice system
Trials, continuances, appeals, parole hearings. The process can stretch for years and reopen the wound each time. Justice, when it comes, rarely brings the peace people expect.
Feeling unsafe
The world may no longer feel safe for you or your other children. You may check doors, fear the phone, or avoid places that remind you of what happened.
You are not alone in these
Tap any topic to open it.
Rage and the wish for revenge
Intense anger, even thoughts of revenge, are common and normal. Having those feelings doesn’t make you a bad person. Talking about them in a safe place, with people who understand, can help keep them from consuming you.
Guilt that isn’t yours to carry
Many parents ask, “Why didn’t I protect them?” or “What if I had said something different?” The only person responsible for your child’s death is the person who caused it. You loved your child. That will always be true.
When people avoid you
Some friends may not know what to say about a violent death, so they say nothing. Others may ask questions about the crime instead of your child. You can tell people, “I’d rather talk about who my child was.”
When no one has been arrested
Living without answers, or knowing the person responsible is free, adds a layer of torment. Your grief is just as real while you wait. Ask your victim advocate how and when you’ll be updated, so you aren’t left wondering.
Siblings and the family
Brothers and sisters may be frightened, angry, or pulled into the case. They may also feel forgotten while the adults deal with police and courts. Make time to simply be together and talk about the child you all love. See our page for siblings.
Say their name.
The news may tell the story of a crime. You carry the story of a life: the first steps, the laugh, the dreams, the way they made you proud. At our meetings, we want to hear that story.
Many parents find a measure of meaning over time by speaking for victims’ rights, joining a remembrance walk, or simply keeping their child’s memory alive. There is no right way and no timeline. Healing, when it comes, is slow, and it doesn’t mean forgetting.
Help with the hard parts
There is no deadline for any of these. Let others help.
Your victim advocate
The Hillsborough County State Attorney’s Office has victim advocates who explain the court process, keep you updated, and can sit with you in the courtroom. Call 813-272-6472. If your child was killed within Tampa city limits, the Tampa Police Department Victim Advocacy Unit also offers crisis support, help with victim compensation applications and referrals: 813-276-3622. Other counties have their own victim services.
Help with funeral and other costs
Florida’s Crime Victim Compensation program can help families with funeral costs and other expenses after a homicide. Your victim advocate can help you apply.
Dealing with the media
You don’t have to talk to reporters. You can ask a friend or family member to speak for you, or share one statement and a photo you choose. It’s okay to stay off social media comments and news coverage.
Court and hearing days
Bring someone with you. Plan something gentle for afterward. It’s normal for court dates, verdicts and parole hearings to bring your grief back as if it were new.
Taking care of yourself
Get rest when you can, eat something, move your body, and see your doctor if you can’t sleep or the fear won’t let up. A counselor who understands traumatic grief can help, alongside the support of parents who have been there.
You don’t have to explain it here
Private Facebook groups
Private Facebook groups moderated by bereaved parents, open any hour:
Parents Of Murdered Children
Support, court accompaniment and advocacy for families of homicide victims, with chapters nationwide, including Southwest Florida. Call 888-818-7662 to be connected with the nearest group, or visit pomc.org.
Victim Assistance and court advocates
Hillsborough State Attorney Victim Assistance: court advocates who keep you updated on the case, explain each step and can sit with you in the courtroom. 813-272-6472
Tampa Police Victim Advocacy Unit: crisis support, help applying for victim compensation and referrals. 813-276-3622
Our meetings and Debbie
First Thursday in Brandon, third Thursday on Zoom. Come as you are; you never have to speak. Or call Debbie at 813-690-4448. What to expect
You may also find comfort in our pages for newly bereaved parents and the long nights, and in the free bereavement packet from national. More local and national help is on our Resources page. If your child was killed by an impaired driver, MADD offers free victim advocates (877-275-6233).
If the pain feels unbearable or you are thinking about ending your life, please call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time of day or night. You can also call 911.
Your child’s life mattered. Let us walk beside you.
