You held your baby, and your baby held your whole heart.
Whether your baby lived for minutes, days, weeks or months, and whether they died of an illness or a birth condition, from sudden infant death (SIDS), from an accident, or something no one can explain, you have lost your child. You may have had so little time and so few memories. Your love, and your grief, are just as real. You are welcome here.
What you may be carrying
So little time
A few hours, a few weeks, a few months. You grieve the time you had and every year you will never have.
Days in the NICU
Monitors, tubes, hope and fear, often far from home. The nurses and other families there may have become your whole world, and leaving can feel like another loss.
Impossible decisions
Some parents had to make choices about treatment or comfort care. Whatever you decided, you decided out of love for your baby.
Your body still expects a baby
Your body is healing from birth, your milk may come in or keep coming, and hormones can bring waves of sadness and anxiety on top of grief.
The nursery and the first birthday
The crib, the car seat, the milestones in the baby book. Every reminder of the life you planned can bring sharp pain.
Questions without answers
“Why didn’t I know something was wrong?” “Should I have gone to the doctor sooner?” Often there are no answers. You did not cause this.
When it was sudden
If your baby died suddenly, from SIDS or an accident, you may face investigators and questions on top of shock. Our page on sudden infant death walks through what to expect.
You are not alone in these
Tap any topic to open it.
How grief can feel
Crying, loneliness, trouble sleeping or eating, not being able to concentrate, anger, guilt, and a need to tell the story again and again. Many mothers describe aching arms, a physical longing to hold their baby. Grief often lasts far longer than others expect, with many ups and downs. None of this means you are doing it wrong.
When people say the wrong thing
“At least it was early.” “You can have another.” “Everything happens for a reason.” “At least you didn’t bring the baby home.” People usually mean well, but these words can hurt deeply. It’s okay to tell people, “My baby mattered. Please just say you’re sorry, and say my baby’s name.”
You and your partner
Partners often grieve differently, and each of you may have bonded with your baby in different ways and at different times. One may want to talk while the other goes quiet. You may hold back tears when your partner is having a “good day.” Closeness and intimacy can feel comforting to one of you and unthinkable to the other. All of this is normal. Be patient with each other, and keep sharing what you feel, even a little at a time.
For fathers: the weight you carry quietly
Fathers often grieve in silence. You may feel you have to be the strong one: making the calls, handling the arrangements, going back to work, and caring for your partner and your other children. You want to fix this, and you can’t. Watching the person you love be devastated in a way you have never seen her before can feel like more than you can bear, and you may hold your own grief inside so she doesn’t have to carry yours too.
People ask how she is doing and forget to ask about you. But this was your baby too, and your grief deserves room. If you waited years to become a father, or thought you never would, this loss can feel like losing your whole future.
You are welcome at our meetings, with your partner or on your own, even if she isn’t ready to come. Many fathers find it helps to sit with other dads who understand without a word.
When your baby came home first
If your baby came home, your house is full of their things and their routines. Feeding times, bath time and the quiet at night can all hurt. Go slowly with their belongings. There is no deadline.
Thinking about another pregnancy
That decision belongs to you and your partner, with no “right” waiting period. A new baby doesn’t replace the one you lost or shorten your grief for them, and a later pregnancy can bring fear along with hope. All of those feelings are okay.
Brothers and sisters
Young children grieve too, even if they never met the baby, and they are easily overlooked as “too young to understand.” Use simple, honest words, answer their questions, and let them talk about their brother or sister. See our page for siblings.
Faith and questions
Some parents find comfort in their faith; others feel anger at God, or that life is unfair and meaningless. Let yourself ask the questions without guilt. Both comfort and questioning are normal parts of grief, and a sense of purpose returns slowly, with no time limit.
Say your baby’s name.
The way they gripped your finger, their smell, the sound they made. Those memories are yours forever, and it’s okay to share them with anyone who will listen.
Keeping a memory box, marking your baby’s birthday and angel date, or doing something kind in their name are ways many parents honor a little life. It’s never too late.
At our meetings, your baby is counted among our children, and remembered by name in our newsletter and at our Candle Lighting, if you wish.
Gentle help with the hard parts
There is no deadline for any of these. Let others help.
Keepsakes and photos
Ask the hospital or funeral home about handprints, footprints, a lock of hair and photographs. Volunteer photographers from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep offer this gift at no cost. Hospital bracelets, NICU name cards and blankets are keepsakes too.
Certificates
Because your baby was born alive, your baby has both a birth certificate and a death certificate. The funeral home usually helps you order certified copies.
Your body after birth
Please keep your postpartum checkup, and tell your doctor how you’re feeling emotionally too. If you were pumping or nursing, your doctor or a lactation consultant can help you stop gently. Some mothers choose to donate their milk in their baby’s honor.
Returning to work
Ask about leave. Let one trusted coworker share the news so you don’t have to explain again and again.
You don’t have to explain it here
Private Facebook groups
Private Facebook groups moderated by bereaved parents, open any hour:
Here in Tampa Bay
AMEND Tampa offers free peer support after pregnancy and newborn loss, in Tampa, St. Pete and on Zoom. BayCare offers bereavement support too. If your baby died suddenly, First Candle offers grief support at 800-221-7437.
Our meetings and Debbie
First Thursday in Brandon, third Thursday on Zoom. Come as you are; you never have to speak. Or call Debbie at 813-690-4448. What to expect
St. Joseph’s Light of Remembrance Ceremony
Each fall, usually on a Saturday in late September, St. Joseph’s Children’s Hospital holds its Light of Remembrance Ceremony at the Tampa River Center, a gentle gathering to honor children who have died. Our chapter has been part of it. For this year’s date, call Debbie or watch our Meetings and Events page.
You may also find comfort in our pages for newly bereaved parents and the long nights, and in the free bereavement packet from national. More local and national help is on our Resources page. If your baby died at a different time, these pages may fit better: miscarriage, stillbirth, sudden infant death.
If the pain feels unbearable or you are thinking about ending your life, please call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time of day or night. You can also call 911.
Your baby mattered. Let us walk beside you.